SUGGESTIONS FOR ECCLESIASTICAL LEADERS
by Gordon S. Bruin M.A., L.P.C
InnerGold Counseling
Handling Confession
Note: This article has been written to provide information and support for ecclesiastical leaders when handling a confession from a congregation member who is struggling with pornography or sexual addiction issues. The information in this article is based on countless hours spent with clients who have had the experience of confessing. It is no easy thing to confess sins and it requires a special humility in order to do so. From the countless stories I have heard there seems to be some things that are more useful than others. The purpose of this article is to share those with you. The information in this article is my opinion only. If it can be useful to you my purpose has been served.
Handling a confession of one who struggles with pornography or sexual addiction issue is a very sensitive and challenging matter for many ecclesiastical leaders. The very nature of addiction involves continued attempts at sobriety with lapses in between. This can become extremely frustrating but such individuals need continued support and encouragement. It is the “lapses in between” that cause ecclesiastical leaders the most frustration and concern. Slips, lapses and relapses don’t seem to fit into the part of repentance that has to do with forsaking the sin. Unfortunately in recovery work with addicts the forsaking of the sin is a process rather than an event. The very term addiction means that you take a stand only to then cross the line time and time again.
The first thing to remember is that anyone who comes in on their own free will to confess what they feel inside is sinful behavior needs to be respected. It is not an easy thing to do and the intent behind the confession is almost always due to the desire to change and to get themselves right with God again. It is an honorable person who has the courage to seek help in the first place.
The way in which a leader responds and communicates can make it either more or less likely that a person will feel safe enough to talk about what is really going on with them. When one is treated with dignity, understanding, sensitivity and respect they are more likely to leave your office feeling uplifted and hopeful about the future. It is vital to remember that when anyone comes in to confess they are already feeling pretty badly about themselves. The viewing of pornography creates deep levels of inner turmoil and shame. I’ve yet to have a client report to me that they have felt good about a slip or relapse. The response is always the same; frustration, disappointment in themselves and sometimes despair.
I believe that it is helpful to understand what research has verified over and over again when counseling those with addiction problems. Confrontational counseling has been associated with high dropout rates and relatively poor outcomes. Many begin the confession process by testing the waters by making a partial confession as to the extent of the problem. If a person picks up that the leader is responding in a harsh and critical way, it is likely that they may shut down. I have had many clients report to me that this is what they did because they didn’t feel safe. They began the confession process but then quickly shut down because they picked up how disappointed, shocked or disgusted their leader was with them.